well every time in image and imagination class has been an intense rush, and a visit from two classmates last Saturday generated a lot of good energy among us.  But tomorrow night is the next class, and each of us is supposed to talk, with a tape recorder going, about what we’ve learned from peer group meetings, what we’ve learned about the images we have been making…and I’m feeling totally tongue-tied.  So far my images have shown me awesome journeys, interactions, and been full of animals and people I gratefully cherish. But  in class there I am in the imaginal dimension, seeing people’s emotions and concerns underwater so to speak, while they are still talking and even judging from the rather patronizing heights of ordinary ego reality. I know it is hard to let go of ordinary life-support illusions, but I wish some more people would at least try.  It’s really fine in this dimension of reality that is so much more flexible and loving and full of hope.  I’m in this blissful state, but lonesome.  I’m afraid that tomorrow will just bring more lonesomeness; that instead of trying to see in this way, the others will continue to just talk about it from all their readings, and be detached.  So I feel worried and sad right now.

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Birdiful Birdiful Peace

Once again I am putting myself out there in the world, smiles away. Want to know what’s happening? A bird has shat upon me. Maybe more like 70 birds have shat upon me! So I am admitting to You, Youniverse, that I am scared.

Figuratively speaking, at this point in my life I’m searching for two things: (1) a place to call my birdiful home; and (2) a person to call my birdiful beloved. Literally speaking, my desire is no longer simply to bloom where I am planted, not just to be cool with where I’m at and who I’m with. Instead, my desire is to seek without ceasing, whole-heartedly, passionately, wildly, animally until I find the the the the Right home and the Right person. I am tired of believing that peace, happiness, love is a state of mind, because honestly, Here and Now does not always feel Right. I’m sorry, Buddhists, but my heart tells me there is something better for me than here and now, at least sometimes. Youddhists, I am talking to You. I believe my treasure lies where my heart is.

Nine days ago, I declared to You that I will move to Austin in 60 days. You listened to my declaration, and You sent bird after bird into my life all at once. I watched for the signs, and You said, “Go go go!” I had job interviews by the bundle in Austin, places to stay, people to see, opportunities for action, adventure, romance. There was even a special lady friend that made me think…funny. Well anyway, I thought too much, and too fast, and I should have been listening to my heart, or in this case, my guts, because I ended up ralfing one night, not a pretty sight! I jumped into Austin prematurely, and I paid for that mistake with nothing but rejections – from the prospective employers, from the friends, and even the special special lady friend. Shat – that is what I gat!

Meanwhile, another part of Youniverse was conjuring up other unexpected surprises. Good ones, surprisingly! I received two nice job offers in the same day in Dallas. Hmm, that’s neato. Plus, a certain Dallas special lady friend has suddenly popped up. Interesting.

So, today I am 51 days away from manifesting this “Be In Austin” declaration. Now that I have already started calling Austin my home, what am I to do? Am I supposed to abandon my idea of Austin as home, or shift it somehow to make my heart appreciate the homie side of Dallas? I don’t feel confident about my heart’s ability to love Dallas right now. Even though my fifth visit to Austin was unfortunate, the fourth visit instilled the presence of home like I haven’t felt since I was 16. It was a party of familiars, with warm, vibrant, colorful people, music, art, life, swimming holes…I felt so so so so seriously comfortable that my heart just…blossomed. I knew it had to be my next home.

I require my birdiful peace now. I require my birdiful peace here. I require here and now to be birdiful, and for now I will take it with all the shat that comes with it. I desire something more, and I know what it is I’m looking for, and my heart is going to find it, and only You can stop me, and only You can help me, and so I confidently cast my cares upon Youniverse.

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I’m pleased and proud and thankful to be a Mud Pud along with you all.  Before waking this morning I started thinking about what to write - so here goes - I’m presently immersed in two courses at two different universities, and as usual, in my mind am weaving their meanings together with my realities, or trying to.  One course is called Ethics, and the other is called Image and Imagination. Ethics has a wide variety of stances ranging from complete selfishness to total altruism, and tends to get lost in ’shoulds’ and in opposites, but it has made me think how when any one of us is stuck way down in the mud, we also can get stuck in desperation.  Desperation - it’s a universe where poverty, fear, anger, reaction, usery, competition and a bunch of other rough elements seem to be our social tools.  Some of us were born into it, and some got tossed into it for awhile, but I’m willing to bet all Mud Puds experienced it.  Plus, it might be that it is what some call the “real” world - after all, it is all over the news all the time.  The ethics of it are pretty brutal - dog eat dog, use others to get what you need, oppression….so it’s really blind, or nonempathic, for philosophers or ministers or whoever to come up with a lot of “shoulds” for someone duking out survival.

Nevertheless, desperation is really a way of thinking or a way of perceiving the world, and the way we think actually shapes the world.  Scary, huh?  This is where my other course, Image and Imagination, comes in.

In this course we are making images freely, trying to respect and nurture imagination so that it can get past our fears and egos and little identities to show us … a whole other universe, another dimension of reality that is going on simultaneously with the one we assume is “reality”.  I am blissed when I am in this class because this imaginal dimension is the one I’ve been hiding out in, pretty much by myself, all along.

I promise to describe it in my next posting!  Just one thing - here in Mud Puds is a good place to say I know how fragile each of us is and how important it is for that fragility to have safe loving space - those three things arrive in the imaginal world around us by magic - here, by the magic of Cabe’s imagination.  Merci, Muchas Gracias, Ahi hi, Thank you.

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Hi Amber. I hope you find this post with a smile on your face. I want you to know how important you have been in my life. You have played the greatest role in helping me to feel full - full of life, full of love, and fulfilled. I feel well again/for the first time. Today, I signed a new lease for a 1 bedroom spot in Grapevine. My subconscious mind wrote the word, “Grave,” just now on my keyboard…I wonder if that means anything.

I still feel love for you, Am. Even though we have to go our separate ways right now, my path keeps swerving back and forth toward you and away from you like a magnet pendulum.

Also, I want you to know that I feel happy right now. I am trying to come clean, even on my way to ditching the meds, no longer feeling that I am depressed. I attended a meditation group last week, and I have been reading the Bhagavad-Gita and Be Here Now - by Ram Dass. I am probably going to rock Krishna Das at MoveStudio (Preston/Cambell in North Dallas) ecstatic dance on Sunday, July 27, 2008 and Thursday, August 21. Plus, I found out that Mati is facilitating at a kewl-sounding place called “Cosmic Cup Cafe” somewhere near downtown tomorrow - July 20 (Jordan’s Birthday) and consecutive Sun Days at 10:00 a.m. sharp, and I’ll be there for that.

I think I will keep adding notes on this post, and keep writing you in this fashion. I think it’s healthy for me to spend time thinking about you - you are a lightning bolt in my mind, charging energy througy me. Peace and Cues,

Mud Pud In Training

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